Embracing this awareness has literally changed my life. At one time in my life, I was a miserable, depressed, anxiety-ridden human being. I totally believed that even the cat didn’t like me! I felt all alone and completely disconnected from even those closest to me. I had married my high school sweetheart, yet felt that there was no sweetness and no heart between us. We were two broken people projecting our pain onto each other.
“Two men looked out through prison bars. One saw mud, the other stars.”
All I could see was mud. I thought that I was smart, and came up with a variety of ideas to improve my life. Those plans included having a couple of children. Although they did keep me very busy, and they brought me much happiness, I projected my brokenness onto them. As children do, they eventually left me, and I became even more broken.
“Above the clouds the sun is shining, so shut your mouth and quit your whining.”
I tried not to whine, I really did. I tried to look on the sunny side. But that brokenness in me continued to grow until it was screaming, like a gremlin that insisted on breaking out of my skin. Eventually it revealed itself in a completely shattered spirit. After 18 years of marriage, I walked away, leaving my husband and teenage children totally confused. I had been the seemingly strong one, holding everything together. But, one day, I just snapped. I had a complete nervous breakdown. No matter how hard I tried to pull myself together, it could not be done. I couldn’t work, I couldn’t parent., I could barely get out of bed. All I could do was cry.
I had years of pent up tears. Tears for my childhood pain. Tears from a loveless marriage. Tears from a complete disconnect from my children.
That was 30 years ago. What I have learned since then is that happiness does not come from the outside. I was trying to find it in my ex-husband and children. Thus, I was happy when they were doing what I wanted them to do, and miserable when they weren’t.
I had to learn that happiness comes from me falling in love with myself.
Not in a narcissistic way, but in a love that projects from the inside out. This has been a sometimes painful, but most profound journey.
I was a caterpillar, shedding my skin, releasing the butterfly that lie within.
How did my life transform from feeling like a total loser to one of triumph? I would love to share that journey with you in my upcoming blended online/live workshop called “The Love Project” starting Oct. 3. Look for more details in upcoming blog posts.